Playing around on the scene

One of the great things about the kink scene is that it is made up of all kinds of people with all kinds of preferences. The idea is that people can express themselves how they want among like-minded people with no judgement. Often people in the kink scene feel that they fall outside of society’s norms. This can include monogamy.

Vanilla and kink people alike may have differing views over their partner being friendly with exes, flirting with friends or strangers, watching porn, masturbating, or having cyber sex. Sometimes these boundaries can be tighter if a person does not feel secure in a relationship, has spiritual beliefs, a difficult upbringing or has been hurt before.

For many, the phrase, “It was just sex,” used by someone who has been unfaithful, can still cause an immense amount of hurt, jealousy and confusion. On the other hand, cuckolding is a pretty common fetish where a partner gets aroused at the thought or sight of their partner having sexual activity with someone else.

Some may be OK with themselves and their partners having full on sex with someone else, as long as there is no emotional connection – the term swinger can be used to describe this sort of activity. Swingers may also have sex with other couples at the same time. They may find it a turn-on to watch their partner have sex, especially while they are having it too.

Because kink people often have a bigger toolbox of activities to pick from, some activities can seem less “involved” than vanilla kissing or genital sex. So fidelity and kink can sometimes have grey areas. For some couples, it is OK for light BDSM to occur with someone else. Indeed, if you’re being caned, you’re not actually encountering anyone else’s flesh. However, some feel that a BDSM scene – even if it does involve no stimulation of the erogenous zones or tender kissing – may still involve a very deep connection between participants.

In open relationships, a couple may form a primary relationship but each person is allowed to have sexual activity with others. Some can do this willy-nilly, others are only allowed to do it if they report back or forewarn their partner about what they’re doing. Some people are only allowed to have sex with pre-approved others. It may be that certain sexual activities are reserved for the primary relationship. Communication of vulnerabilities, needs and wants is important, as is a re-evaluation of the rules if one or both partners is feeling unhappy.

Polyamory is a term derives from the Greek for more than one and the Latin for love. Poly people like to form committed relationships with more than one person. Now, this may sound like a great deal: you have more than one person looking out for you if you lose your job, helping you if you are feeling sick or bad for whatever reason. But you have to look out for them too.

If you are having sex with multiple people, contraception and STD/I testing, as well as the healthy sharing of tools and toys, are all things to bear in mind. If you do pick up someone and do anything sexual with them, but aren’t looking for a monogamous relationship – or any relationship for that matter – think about whether it is good manners to disclose what your intentions are. Even though the scene is an open place, people can still get hurt.

In short, whatever your setup, whatever your sexuality, each person has their own feelings about what constitutes being unfaithful, inconsiderate or hurtful. Talking about this may seem like a buzz kill, but deciding what you believe and exploring how flexible you can be to fit in with a partner or partners’ beliefs, can help save a lot of heartache.

London Kink Therapist is a fully qualified sex & relationship therapist available for talking sessions both online and in her London office. Find out more at www.LondonKinkTherapist.co.uk