Should I tell my friends I'm kinky?

Dear London Kink Therapist,

I have recently starting getting into kink and have been friends with a couple of fairly open-minded vanillas for a while. I have not yet discussed my participation in BDSM with them.  The thing is that I like to be open with people and hate pretending to be something I am not. Sometimes when I am socialising with them I feel like a fake. We often talk about personal stuff but I feel I cannot talk about this aspect of my life. This is despite how much I enjoy it and how important it has become to me. Should I keep my lifestyle a secret from these friends and "err on the side of caution", or should I feel free to let them know that I'm not so vanilla after all? This is taking into consideration that my friend’s knowledge of BDSM seems to be limited to Fifty Shades... 

Anon via email

Dear Anon,

I can't tell you what to do as this is a very personal decision. But it’s worth taking into account a few factors. 

Firstly, many people into BDSM and fetish define themselves by their preferences, play, lifestyle and so on. They feel this is part of their personality and, without opening up about it, they are lying. Now, the impact on not opening up will differ from person to person. I think what is interesting is that often, the things we feel we need to share are the things that we feel either huge amounts of shame or excitement over. Some people may feel the nature of play or lifestyle (depending on how they define their relationship to BDSM and what they do) is no one’s business but their’s and whoever they are being intimate with. Others feel that, to not know what they do intimately, means that they aren't fully known and can feel ingenuine.

You say you have recently started getting into kink, so I'm sure you're feeling all sorts of emotions. Maybe you're liberated, scared, fearful, heightened… Are you wanting to share this because it's new and exciting? Or do you feel it's your right to be loud and proud about something that is oft scorned at and misunderstood? Is this something you could share with like-minded people or do your friendships depend on openness in all things? Most people you ask will have a point of view on this. It's important you listen to how YOU feel.

Secondly, it could be that you are judging your friends for not knowing much about kink, and/or maybe you fear they will judge you. Ask yourself, are you wanting to educate them? Test them? Shock them? And how would it feel for your confession to be openly welcomed and accepted? The more you can work out the barrier between your friends and you, the more you can plan for how to tell them – if that's what you decide to do. It could help you be less defensive about your position and think more about what you would like from them. 

Thirdly, telling your friends you are into “kink” could mean anything a penchant for giving/receiving a spanking before having genital sex, to thinking you/others look hot in rubber, to enjoying being an adult baby of an evening, to being in a full time D/s relationship with contracts over food, clothing and so on. 

Rather than sticking to ambiguous, blanket labels like “kink” to describe yourself, why not be a little more specific about your experience? You say your friends are open-minded but their knowledge of kink is limited to 50 Shades. So a fuller explanation could help them to understand both it and you. You could give a general description of what you like, why you like it, and how you got into it. This demystifies your choices and can invite empathy, curiosity and discussion from your friends. You never know, maybe they’ve indulged in some kinky practices too? 

And if this doesn't get a favourable response you can give them more time, more info or re-evaluate your friendships.

Good luck!

LKT

London Kink Therapist is a qualified and experienced psychosexual & relationship Therapist who sees individuals, couples and poly groups at her office and over Skype.