The top 10 “weird” fetishes THAT AREN’T THAT WEIRD

There are 10,199,756 blogs about weird fetishes. And they all amount to the same message. “Eugh! Look at those weird, evil kinksters with their strange, mutated ways,” they say. “Why don’t they confine their fantasy lives to boobs, pecs, bums, willies, fannies, cum and vag juice, like the rest of us ‘normals’? In fact, I’m so glad I don’t like someone who’s into, say, farts, because I’m sure their weirdness would rub off on me.” Well fuck you, you judgemental b-words. The world is a wonderful place where people should be allowed to enjoy safe, legal and consensual behaviour. But before you do curl up and die, take this feature as a virtual pelt with my period-soaked tampon (and yes that rant felt good).

1. Eyeball licking

Eyes are the windows to our souls. They are sensitive, prone to crying and rapidly blink when anything unexpected comes towards them. Imagine the trust you would need to let someone lick your eyeball? Then there’s the lovely, salty taste that rewards the careful licker. Yummy!

2. Pony play

When you’re all kitted out in the traditional garb, pony play can offer a wonderful mix of bondage, anal stimulation, S&M and mindfulness. You can’t need to talk, you don’t need to think, you can just be, at the mercy of the elements while your trainer guides you, disciplines you and, if you’re lucky, feeds you a sugar cube.

3. Adult babies

The Daily Mail staff collectively have babies when they find out someone of note has been an adult baby. They see this as the ultimate in perverted weirdness that must surely have something to do with paedophilia. Regression is not paedophilia. What it is, is bags of fun and pretty damn sexy. Who doesn’t want to make loads of mess, cry, bang on things, suck on a boob, get spanked and have their soiled nappy changed?

4. Furries

I always find it so funny that the western world enjoys dressing as “slutty”/funny creatures for Halloween and yet fails to grasp why it’s great to be a furry. It may be because they confuse furrydom with bestiality. Well, furries are anthropomorphic characters (which means they are beings with human characteristics). They can negotiate consensual sex (which often involves the usual bump ‘n’ grind) while those into real animals cannot.

5. Body emissions

When conversation turns to vomit, wee, farts, poo or periods, there is usually a reaction from those listening. It may be disgust, shame, amusement or squeamishness. These evocative, taboo emissions come from inside our bodies. They are a feast for the senses with strong smells, consistency (sometimes you can feel a fart) and taste. Sharing them can be a very intimate, evocative and/or deliciously humiliating exercise.

6. Manikin sex

It’s very strange to me that sex with manikins (aka agalmatophilia) still causes a commotion, when the sale of sex dolls has always been consistent. Can someone explain the difference to me? Just because one may be using the manikin as a substitute for a living person while the other is fully chuffed with the manmade version, I don’t see any reason to call the paparazzi.

7. Looners

Depending on your “weird” scale, you might be down with the fact that some people get hard/wet over latex. Well imagine this latex being made into an amazing object that feels like an engorged erogenous zone or booby? A delicate phenomenon that could go bang at any moment. Balloons are hot. Period.

8. Robot rogering / mechanophilia (machine fetish)

We go crazy for Sci-Fi but are only allowed, in polite society, to admit we have crushes on the humans. But imagine having someone or something programmed to do exactly what you want. Their mechanical limbs and orifices would never get tired, and they would never demand anything emotionally. We’ve accepted the robotic qualities of the vibe, so why not an entire being? If you ask me (which I’m aware you didn’t), NOT wanting to bonk a robot is highly illogical.

9. Human furniture

I would have thought that idea of being a beautiful piece of furniture, there to be looked at and maybe even useful, would be one that our largely superficial, model-loving world would find acceptable. Before the feminists start having a go, please remember that in BDSM world, forniphilia is the ultimate form of bondage. Done properly, the male or female furniture gets off on this role and hopes to provide equal pleasure to whichever man or woman is lucky enough to behold it. 

10. Sneezing

While some people love the mucus, sneezing fetish is usually less about the emission and more about the anticipation. When you hear that “a, a, a…” you know the sneeze is coming. Sometimes it takes a few goes. The sneeze is getting revved up. They might hit a plateau. You might to wait. But when that “chooooooo” happens it’s like the fireworks of an orgasm – with little transparent/green sparks. If you think how good you feel after a sneeze (cold symptoms aside), and how close it is to your sex face, then you might begin to appreciate what a beautiful, natural, exciting and horny the occurrence of a ticklish nose can be.